Time Stops

There are few moments in life where the world stops turning. Moments where you know exactly what you were doing, and what those around you were doing. Moments where you can quickly describe the smells, your thoughts, and most importantly the way you were feeling. One of these moments was the day Kaleb broke his neck and the chaotic days to follow. 

My world did stop turning when he broke his neck, but it didn't happen the day of. My world stopped the day following the accident. See on the day of we didn't have much to go off of, I knew he had been in an accident. They told me he was going to go into surgery, and that they were happy he was talking. His friends told me not to fly down yet, because really no one thought it would be this. 

The day of the accident was still one of the most bizarre days of my life. I was continuing my 21st birthday celebration and having a great time when I received the call. The moments following that were moments of calmness, moments where I tried to find out all the details before it broke down. I truly believe you can learn so much about a person by watching the way they handle a tragedy. Are they resourceful out a giant puddle of tears, well in those beginning moments I tried very hard to be resourceful. As the night continued I was blessed enough to have a best friend who drove all the way out to the west side of Albuquerque to take me home. That's when I became I giant puddle of tears. I cried more with her that night than I ever truly thought was possible. Now let's stop there, the rest of that night was a hot mess. However one moment out of that entire night that I will never let go of is when Kaleb called me. He sounded so very scared and helpless, and yet all he wanted was to apologize and tell me how sorry he was. Our prayers for Kaleb's healing started right then and there, prayers for strength and healing. Those same prayers have not stopped. 

The next day was when the shock wore off. This day was a day where I knew I needed to get to New Orleans and I needed to get there fast. It was a day of tears on tears on more tears. 

It was also a day filled with false hope, I actual just read some of the tweets I had tweeted that day. One said Kaleb could feel his feet, the other said Kaleb could move his toes; neither of these were true. 

This day was filled with packing, which I quickly realized once I arrived in New Orleans that I did a horrible job at it. It was a day of being the crazy lady crying in the Dallas/love airport. It was a day of being picked up by his roommate, who became one of my dearest friends, and crying like a baby to him. It was a day of not eating or sleeping. It was the first day of many longer days. 

It was the first day of the journey. 

You Never Realize Its The Last Time

Yesterday was Kaleb's wonderful birthday, and as always birthdays bring joy and happiness along with hope for another year. This birthday brought all of those things along with a little bit of sadness. See not only did it mark another year of Kaleb's life, it also marked the one year mark since my last recreational trip to New Orleans for his birthday. 

That trip was at the time one to remember, now it is one I will hold onto for the rest of my life. That trip would be the last time Kaleb and I would ever walk hand in hand together. That trip would be the last time he gave me a piggy back ride. That trip is the trip that I picked out some life changing jewelry. I can practically tell you every detail of that entire adventure of a weekend. Some details have faded with time, and some well some were lost on bourbon street ;). But the most important ones will forever stay close to my heart. 

I guess part of the reason these memories are so very perfect are because we didn't know. We had no idea what life changing event would happen in the span of a very short month. We lived our life careless and free the way it had always been. We laughed so hard at the most stupid of things. We spent hours looking at pieces of antiques and art that believe me I would love to have. We spent an amazing evening with some of his closest friends. And the very last day I has with him pre accident was spent being a normal couple baking a pizza and watching tv. 

So I have said it several times, that these were all the last time that they would happen. And sometimes it truly feels like I will never get a piggy back ride again, but what I do get is to ride on his lap when my feet hurt. And yes I would love to be able to walk the street holding his, but I get to push him and hey that's close enough. Plus I have a god who is healing Kaleb and I know when it's his time we will walk hand in hand again. Just having to be a little patient. 

In him, 

Brittany Marie 

An Inner Strenth

1 Peter 5:10
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

Oh my goodness has it been a while since I actually took the time to sit down and write, which in some ways means life is going good. So let's see what has happened in the past few months that is worth sharing.... OH YA KALEB IS WALKING! Now just to clarify he is not walking around the house or walking on his own. Kaleb is walking with assistance from both a walker and a physical therapist, but that in itself is the most incredible blessing. It is something that I was becoming comfortable with the idea that it may never happen, and then with a ton of prayer and a ton of hard work and dedication on Kaleb's side he is working towards doing it again.

Now for the record, and since this is my own blog, let me tell you the past couple of months have not been the rainbows and butterflies that you may think. They have still been filled with tears and disappointments, frustration and some not so very nice words, but most of all a whole lot of love. Our lives are still very different from the paths that we both once thought they would take. There are still things that I personally have had to do for my soon to be husband that I never thought I would have to do. There have been multiple times that all I could do was call my wonderful blessing of a momma and cry to her because to be completely honest I am tired. It is a tired that is extremely hard to explain, it is a tired that is not only emotionally brought on but physically as well.  It is the kind of tired that only God can give the rest that is needed. And our gracious God has not forsaken me in this situation. Sometimes all it takes is a good cry and a few uplifting words from my momma and Kaleb to remember that the Lord has blessed me with an amazing amount of strength. If you would of told me a year ago that this would be what my life would look like I would have told you no way. I would have never expected to grow up and mature as fast as I have. I would have told you I am not strong enough to handle something this extreme, and that I am the biggest baby in the world. I would have tried to convince you that I need to be taken care of.

Now a year later, I have more spiritual strength than I ever have. My life is on a completely different plan than I ever thought possible. I live in a city that I am not a fan of. I haven't made it home to see my family in months. I missed that balloon fiesta for the first time in 21 years. I won't be home for Christmas Adam. But all of that aside I am marrying the man of my dreams. I am living a miracle. I am watching this miracle and knowing that so many people lives are being enriched because of it.

I am living the life that God has had planned for me.

sorry for the rant

Brittany Marie :)

Consider it pure joy...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, (James 1:2 BOOKS)

This verse is a verse that I so often turned to in a time of need, and though I turned to it often it wasn't until recently that I grasped just a glimpse of what The Lord is saying here. Looking back on the past seven months of my life I could of handled it one of two ways, I could of become very angry at The Lord and at Kaleb. I could of lived my life in a deep depression choosing to not see the joy in the little things, which in turn would of very quickly hurt Kaleb's recovery. 

Or I could, and can, handle it in a state of joy. 

I truly am so very thankful for this situation, which to some of you may sound very very odd. I am thankful that it has brought Kaleb and I closer than we would of ever been without it. 

Because of this very injury we have had to completely readapt our lives, not necessarily a bad thing, but a thing. We had to humble ourselves, Kaleb obviously physically and mentally. But for me it was a bit of both as well, lets be honest people look at us a little different, we do things a little different, and we live a little different. Our lives are no worse or better than the people next door, they are just a little different. The best part of our lives being completely turned upside down is we were able to find our own right side up. 

I can also so I am incredible thankful for this injury and the wisdom it has brought. After facing an injury like this you learn to not forget about the little things in life. I can promise you Kaleb is looking forward to simple walking down the street again, and I am looking forward to holding his hand and taking twice as many steps to keep up with him. But besides learning that we shouldn't take the little things for granted I have so much more biblical wisdom. I can truthfully sit here and tell you that this wisdom comes from The Lord. This wisdom has been a gift which I am so incredibly blessed to have. This wisdom comes from lots of me and God time praying for healing, patience, strength, and wisdom. The Lord is faithful lord and has not forsaken us in this time of need. 

Well while I'm on here I can't help but brag about Kaleb's miracle, in which I am lucky to be apart of. As of recent Kaleb has most of his left leg back and his right leg is coming right along. After a recent Asia test is confirmed that more sensation and feeling has come back in his right leg. His back muscles have come back along with his trunk muscles. He is doing incredible in the NRN, which is a huge blessing in it of itself. He is practicing standing out of the harness and is doing very well as far as that goes. As far as that head of his goes, well he is just the same ol Kaleb that I fell in love with almost four years ago. 

Thank you all for your prayers, support, and love. And try to remember that yes we are called to consider trials joy. not because God is commanding it of you, but he knows it makes those trials so much easier. Plus he will only give you what you can handle! 

Brittany Marie 

A break for love

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT)

It just seems necessary that I open with these verses seeing that Kaleb proposed a week ago Saturday. It has been a long hard road filled with so many tears. This road started three and a half years ago on a world changers trip in San Diego. I met this dorky little boy and had no idea that he would forever change my life. A year later he followed his dream and went into the coast guard. We survived the eight week boot camp period with the only communication being letters. I still remember watching him graduate from bootcamp and feeling so proud of him for chasing his dreams and accomplishing them. He moved to New Orleans and I joined pi phi. Somewhere in that move I convinced myself that we were no longer meant to be together, so I selfishly ended it. For a year and a half we fought and cried and still told each other that we loved each other , while I tried very hard to tell god that there had to be someone else for me. Last July I flew into New Orleans after not seeing Kaleb for over a year, and I tried to have a horrible time. But let me tell you how hard it is to have a horrible time with your best friend. We laughed and giggled, we created so many more memories. And yet I still was trying to believe that he was meant to be with someone else. It wasn't until he flew into Albuquerque in August that I knew he was it for me! He is my best friend, and the love of my life. He is who god has for me.

I give the background because so many people know about the hard times. They know that I broke Kaleb's heart time and time again. And to those people all I can say is I am sorry. I made a ton of mistakes in that year and a half, but I can promise you I am so in love with him. People make mistakes, I just got really lucky and found a man who is willing to forgive me for the hurt I have caused him and willing to spend the rest of his life with me.

Our life hasn't been easy since we got back together. We are still facing a huge trial, and I am still not the perfect fiancé. But we are doing it! We our living our lives and still laughing our way through it. We our going to make it and live an amazing life, because god brought us together almost four years ago and is still working in us.

I ask that you continue to pray for healing for Kaleb, but also for our lives as we start them together. Pray that god moves in our courtship so that we have a great foundation starting our married life.

Scatter brained

Well we we are home, actually we have been home for a little over a month. It has been an adventure with so so much to share so this post may seem completely scatter brained, but try to follow along!

So lets go all the way back to January 30th, the day we got discharged. That day was filled with more emotion than I will ever be able to explain. It was filled with tears of joy and sobs of sadness and frustration. I wanted so badly to leave every part of the hospital back at the hospital, I quickly realized that day that our journey was just beginning. Many of the things that overtook our room at the hospital are in this very apartment because Kaleb needs them to continue to gain strength. As much as we both wanted for him to be completely healed when we left the hospital that just wasn't what God had planned for us. So after an exhausting day of trying to make my new home feel more like a home and less like. hospital I was exhausted. I felt as though I had the biggest weight in the world resting on my chest and at any moment my chest was going to give way and the world was just going to come down. It never fails though that when I think God has forgotten all about us he shows me that he truly is in control of this situation. At about ten at night Kaleb called me in to show me controllable kicking his leg! It was just what I needed to remember God is much bigger than my emotions!

Since that night God has continued to show me that he is in the business of miracles, they just happen in his time and not mine. Kaleb will be able to walk with the strength of his left leg. I still believe however that he will walk again! I believe God is working miracles and that he is using Kaleb to reach so many people. The amount of people that have written me on a social media and tell me they are praying for us is truly amazing. The fact that the young GAs are so intrigued with what God is doing with Kaleb reminds me that everything will bring The Lord glory.

There are so many days where I feel as though I am walking a thin line between a nurse and a girlfriend. There are days that I want to sit down and just yell at God for giving me this trial. I wonder why me so very often, and then I think about Moses who asked God why him. He even told God that there were others more equipped and yet God answered every question showing him why he was fit for the job and how The Lord would fill the gals he thought he had. I so often why me but then The Lord gives me the strength or other gifts to make it through this challenge.

So for now I will listen to psalm 13...

How long, Lord ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord ’s praise, for he has been good to me. (Psalm 13:1-6 NIV)

In this one chapter David's heart went from heavy and filled with sorrow, to rejoicing. He says that he will sing in The Lord's praise because he has been good to me. That is one thing I need to cherish close to my heart, that no matter how hard it seems to be The Lord has blessed me beyond all means. I will continue to wait upon The Lord and his awesome and mighty healing powers.

Thank you for your love and prayers,

Brittany Marie

Its a "See You Later", not a "Goodbye"

As we sit here tonight embracing the fact that tonight is our last night as patients' of Craig Hospital I can't help but shed a tear or two. Thinking back to our first day here, November 19, I can't help but recall the fear I felt. It was the beginning of an adventure that I was terrified to be apart of. From the moment we arrived the future was right in our face. The second we pulled up there were people seating on the sky bridge, in at that point in time the dreaded wheelchairs. As the days continued the adjustments started coming in waves. Our lives were changing and they were changing fast. Kaleb quickly grabbed ahold of each and every trial that was put in front of him and defeated them.

One phrase I so often caught myself using during our stay here at Craig's was "I am to little". Today once again I took something that I thought I was at one point to little to do and proved myself wrong. Which seems to be the theme while we have been here at Craig. So often do we think we cannot do something and within a matter of time we have figured out our own way of doing it. 

Our life will not be easy, and will be filled with so many challenges. But in reality no ones life is easy, everyone's lives are filled with some sort of challenge. It truly is all about who's hand you are holding while going through it. I have been blessed with being able to hold Kaleb's hand while we adjust our lives and enjoy every minute of it. 

So tonight we wrap up one chapter of our life. Tonight we say "see you later" to so many members of Craig's hospital. Tonight I sit here and cry. I cry because I see how many of these people have become attached to my amazing boyfriend. I watched as his PT therapist had such a hard time saying goodbye. He has truly enjoyed watching how much amazing progress Kaleb has made, and wishes so very much that he was able to continue Kaleb's recovery. 

I know that Kaleb is going to continue to wow us all with his amazing recovery! Please continue to pray for his healing and strength! Though this is the end of our journey as in patients at Craig's, this is still a very hard adjustment and we still need your prayers. I for one still 100% believe that God will heal Kaleb! I know God has some amazing plans for him and I feel blessed to be apart of it, and so should all of you. 

Goodnight and God Bless,
Brittany Marie

Standing still, sprinting to the finish line

So much has happened since the last time I sat down and blogged. The biggest greatest thing to happen since November 10th happened a little less than a week ago. On January 7, 2013 I received the greatest phone call I could ever imagine. Kaleb called me shortly after I had left the hospital to tell me that he was able to controllable move his big toe on his left foot. Tears of joy streamed down my face as I thanked God for this incredible blessing! This small movement was exactly what we both needed. This movement showed us that God has prefect timing for everything and that when he is ready Kaleb will walk again.

Since the accident I can't help but feel like time has completely stood still. Yes, we have started a completely new year in a new city with a new plan, but for Kaleb and I both it is like the world has continued spinning while we live in this bubble at Craig hospital. And yet it is like we are in some marathon race to have him completely ready for discharge on January 30th. It is like whether we like it or not our lives are both standing still and yet spinning out if control at the same time.

I may not have any control over what is happening in our lives but I have a God who has a perfect plan who I know will provide. I know that Kaleb will walk, simple things like the increase spasms and the big toe movement remind me that God is completely in control! So I ask and beg that you continue to join me in praying for our lives; pray for guidance, strength, and healing for Kaleb's body! O know God hears the prayers of his children, and answers them.

God bless you,
Brittany Marie